So it’s been a while. Should we address it? Probably. But honest to god, I’m tired of complaining. Suffice it to say my job and my boss are wearing me down. In fact, I’ve been so low the past several weeks I’ve stopped everything – stopped reading, stopped writing, stopped studying, and just about stopped working.
At this point, it’s a wait and see to find out whether I’ll get fired.
I know I need to research options, update my resume, and figure out my next steps; but this mental game is fucking debilitating. I’ve stopped everything.
I think about how I got through college. I mean, those four years were tremendously overwhelming. But I did it. How? How did I overcome everything year after year and not give up? The two answers I can come up with is: my friends and classes themselves.
On some level, we were all suffering, and we recognized each other’s suffering. We normalized that suffering and we normalized talking through our feelings. Being hungry, shaky from the fifth coffee, chain smoking, sleepless, or being half-way into an existential crisis were facts of life and we talked through it all. At any given time, I had a friend on hand to support me and who would let me return the favor. Moving around, my work schedule, and COVID have taken those relationships from me. It’s a huge difference, and frankly after a whole goddamn year of quarantine, I am actively struggling. I genuinely need help and need to figure a way out of this constant undertow from mass isolation.
As much as I miss my friends, I miss the constant activity of classes. I mean, a Humanities track in college is one huge, collective bookclub. Each class you sign up for is simply the club’s focus: philosophy, literature, history, anthropology, sociology, psychology, education, the languages, whatever. You sign up for a class, but what you’re really signing up for is a an agree upon selection of reading ya’ll’ll talk about at an agreed upon time, in an agreed upon space. You swap ideas, expand your understanding of the selected reading, and boom – high dollar book club (but please, only bottled water allowed). I miss that: Engaging in new texts and talking about them. It wasn’t just about what others brought to the book club, although the texts themselves were great! But their comments displayed who they are as individuals, it showed how they think and connected information, it exposed biases and ignorance.
I’m trying to focus on the things (and people) that most positively impacted my lived experience during my hardest years, because I’m fairly certain I’ve reached a breaking point here in my late 20s. I need that early-20s strength, hopefulness, and perseverance injected into my being. All I seem to be able to focus on is how I’m nearly 30 and have nothing to show for it.